


Robin Hood Meets Lord of the Rings

by Gwenling



Category: The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-08 00:15:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7735471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwenling/pseuds/Gwenling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the VOLA_Slash March 2004 "Jount Through Sherwood" Challenge</p>
            </blockquote>





	Robin Hood Meets Lord of the Rings

  
"Poppa, when's daddy coming home?"

Viggo smiled as he dressed their daughter for bed.

"Daddy should be home later tonight," he said as he pulled the shirt over the mop of brown curls that she had inherited from her father … her biological father.

Kaylee Bloom-Mortensen pursed her lips together and squinted her eyes as she looked up at Viggo.

"I guess that means after I go to bed, huh?" she asked.

Viggo leaned down and dropped a quick kiss on her nose.

"Yes it does, and before you even ask, no you cannot stay up until he gets home. It's going to be *very* late by the time his plane lands and he catches a cab," he said as he held the pajama pants down so that she could step into them.

With that done, it was into her bathroom to brush her teeth and hair. He had learned early on that his daughter was tender headed, just like her father. Viggo smiled to himself. Well, not *exactly* like her father because there were times that Orlando actually liked having his hair pulled, but that was not something he needed to be thinking about right now. Right now he wanted to get Kaylee settled in bed so he could catch a quick nap before Orlando made it home.

These three weeks that Orlando had been away promoting his latest movie had taken its toll on Viggo. He wasn't as young as he used to be and keeping up with a six year old was a job in itself. Not that Kaylee was a bad child, by any means. It just meant that he had to step in and do all of the things that Orlando usually did when he was at home. In addition to the normal household duties that they shared, like the cooking, cleaning and laundry, there was also the carpool to and from school, as well as the trips to Kaylee's gymnastics and dance classes. Never let it be said that their child was a slacker. She wanted to try everything.

"Poppa, I think you've brushed my hair enough," Kaylee said in a far away voice. It was then that Viggo realized that he had spaced out - again. He had been doing that a lot lately. Not enough sleep, that's for sure. He never slept well when Orlando was gone, but on top of that, Kaylee usually ended up sleeping with him, doing what her father did and taking over the entire bed. A six year old shouldn't take up very much space, but Viggo always found himself lying on his side at the very edge of the mattress when she slept with him. Yep, a major bed-hog she was, just like her father.

"Sorry angel," he said as he scooped her up in his arms. "How about you pick out a movie that we can fall asleep to?" he asked as he turned off the light and moved down the hall to the bedroom that he and Orlando shared.

He stood her on the bed and laughed when she plopped down onto her butt and then scooted off the bed, making a mad dash to the stash of movies that had accumulated in the bedroom over the last few weeks. Not only were all three Lord Of The Rings there, but Pirates Of The Caribbean 1 & 2 as well as Hidalgo, the Disney movie that her Poppa was in. She might not understand the things that were going on during some of their movies, but she loved it when they were on the screen.

Kaylee turned and headed to the door. "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?" Viggo asked as he pulled the covers back.

"To the den to get another movie," she answered sweetly.

Viggo shook his head. There were tons of movies here but yet she found it necessary to watch one that hadn't found its way into their room.

A few minutes later Kaylee bounded back into the bedroom, popped the DVD into the player, and bounced onto the bed with him.

"So, what are we watching tonight?" Viggo asked as he handed the remote control to his daughter.

Kaylee smiled. "Just wait and you'll see," she said as she settled herself back against the pillows and pushed the play button. After wading through the previews, they finally made it to the movie. Viggo smiled when he realized which one this was. Robin Hood was also one of Henry's favorite movies, although you'd never hear him admit that fact to anyone outside of their immediate family.

Actually, it was Henry who turned Kaylee onto this movie. When he came to visit, they would park themselves in the den and have an all night movie fest. Well, for Kaylee the all night part ended somewhere around 10:30 or 11:00, but she thought that she was a "big girl" because she was allowed to stay up late with her big brother.

Viggo knew the drill with this movie. The opening scene is a green book with Robin Hood lettered across the front cover, and after the book opens, he begins to read.

"Long ago, good King Richard of England departed for the holy land on a great crusade. During his absence, Prince John, his greedy and treacherous brother, usurped the crown."

The page turns again and Viggo continues to read.

"Robin Hood was the people's only hope. He robbed from the rich to feed the poor. He was beloved by all the people of England. Robin and his merry men hid in Sherwood Forest to elude the Sheriff of Nottingham…"

The singing minstrel, Allan-A-Dale, which happens to be a rooster, appears on the screen and takes over.

"Ya know. There's been a heap of legends and tall tales about Robin Hood, all different too. Well, we folks of the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what really happened in Sherwood Forest."

Kaylee gets to her knees as Alan starts whistling while the actors are being introduced.

"Poppa look! There's Uncle Ian!"

Viggo looked over at his daughter. "Uncle Ian? Where?"

Kaylee shakes her head and points at the screen. "Right there, Poppa. The rooster. See, that's Uncle Ian."

"Uncle Ian is a rooster?"

"Yes, and look," she says as the characters continue to be shown. "Prince John isn't really Prince John. That's Sauraman."

Viggo shakes his head. "Kaylee, who told you that was Sauraman?"

Kaylee waves him off and continues to list the players. "Next is Uncle 'Lij. He's just like Sir Hiss. See, he has a gap between his teeth."

Well, she was right on that account. Viggo relaxed back into his pillows and waited to see who all she had cast in her version of the movie.

"Oh look!" she yelled excitedly. "There's you and daddy!"

"Kaylee, that's Robin Hood and Maid Marian, not me and your daddy," Viggo patiently said.

"Wrong. You're Robin Hood and daddy is Maid Marian. Well, he's not because he's a boy and she's a girl, but ... oh, never mind. Just watch and you'll see," she said as she turned back to the TV.

Orlando was going to have a fit when he found out that his daughter associated him with Maid Marian. Viggo could hear it now. "But I should be Robin Hood because he has a bow and arrows, just like Legolas did. And an elven Prince doesn't wear dresses!" Well, his tunic and leggings looked like he *could* have been wearing a dress and stockings, but he wasn't going to bring that up. Or maybe he would, Viggo thought with a smile. At least Kaylee hadn't cast Viggo in the role of Maid Marian. Nah, he was too rugged for that part. After giving it a quick thought, he had to agree with his daughter. Orlando fit the role perfectly. He was beautiful and kind and gentle, just like the pretty fox on the movie. Yep, Orlando was going to have a stroke over this.

Next on the screen was Little John, Robin Hood's best friend, who Kaylee said was her Uncle Sean Bean, or, Uncle Bean. Assuming the role of Friar Tuck was her other Uncle Sean, Astin this time. Aunt Liv was placed in the role of Lady Kluck, Maid Marian's Lady In Waiting, and Karl was given the job as the Sheriff of Nottingham. Rounding out the cast of Kaylee's version of the movie were her Uncle Dom and Uncle Billy, who were cast as the vultures, Trigger and Nutsy, who work for the Sheriff.

Viggo did his best to contain his laughter but failed miserably. He pulled Kaylee into his lap.

"Angel, did you just make this entire thing up or did someone help you?"

She smiled up at him. "Henry and I did it the last time we watched the movie. He said that you and daddy would get a kick out of it."

Viggo reached up and brushed an errant curl off of her forehead. "Well, I think it's pretty funny, but what do you think your daddy will say when he finds out you've cast him as Maid Marian?"

Kaylee became worried. "Oh Poppa, please don't tell him. I don't want him to be mad at us. We were just playing!"

"Don't worry angel. Your daddy could never be mad at you. It's all in fun and I'm sure he'll laugh just as much as I did," he said, hoping like hell it was true. He was pretty sure Orlando would get a kick out of it, but then again, he might take it the wrong way. They'd just have to wait and see.

"You know, I think you and Henry did a wonderful job recasting the movie with everyone. It's perfect!" Viggo pronounced, hoping that she wouldn't worry about what Orlando thought.

About that time, Allan-A-Dale (Sir Ian) started the opening song, and Kaylee joined in.

====================

_Robin Hood and Little John walkin' through the forest, Laughin' back and forth at what the other'ne has to say_

_Reminiscin' this `n that `n havin' such a good time, Oo-de-lally, hoo-de-lally, golly what a day!_

_Never ever thinkin' there was danger in the water, They were drinkin', they just guzzled it down_

_Never dreamin' that a schemin' sheriff and his posse Was a watchin' them and gatherin' around_

_Robin Hood and Little John runnin' through the forest, Jumpin' fences, dodgin' trees and tryin' to get away_

_Contemplatin' nothin' but escape and fin'ly makin' it, Oo-de-lally, hoo-de-lally, golly what a day! Oo-de-lally, hoo-de-lally, golly what a day!_

====================

Once the song was over, Kaylee settled down and watched the movie, making comments every now and then about what the new members were doing. Viggo, on the other hand, was trying his best to get the revised cast out of his mind, which didn't work because of Kaylee's constant reminders. She giggled as Robin Hood and Little John stole clothes and dressed up as women and Viggo thought he'd die when she asked if he or Uncle Bean had ever dressed up like that. His answer was a big fat no. She also pointed out that Uncle Bean was stealing the hubcaps of the Royal Coach just like he tried to steal the ring. He made a mental note to wring Henry's neck the next time he saw him.

It wasn't too long after the movie started that they had both drifted off to sleep.

"Viggo! Viggo! Wake up!"

Viggo heard the voice and could have sworn it was Orlando's, but when he finally opened his eyes and glanced around the room, Orlando was nowhere to be seen. He smiled because this wasn't the first time he had imagined Orlando talking to him while he was away. God, if anyone ever found out about it, they'd lock him up for sure.

"Viggo! Hey! Yoo-hoo!"

There it was again ... Orlando's voice.

"Hey old man! Look at the TV!"

Viggo slowly turned his head and almost had a heart attack. There, on the TV, was Orlando waving at him. But at the same time, it *wasn't* Orlando. It was Maid Marian who was waving at him, but it was Orlando's voice coming from her. Viggo quickly shook his head as if clearing his mind of a bad dream. Careful not to wake Kaylee, Viggo moved to the end of the bed and stared at the screen, not believing what he was seeing.

====================

_Maid Marian and Lady Kluck were playing badminton, but the voices coming from the characters belonged to Orlando and Liv._

_Lady Kluck (Liv) - Now it's your turn to serve, Marian dear._

_Maid Marian (Orlando) - Are you ready, Lady Kluck?_

_Lady Kluck (Liv) - Oh, as your lady in waiting, I'm waiting. Ho, ho, ho. I'm getting too old for this._

_Maid Marian (Orlando) - Oh, Klucky, that was a good shoot._

_Lady Kluck (Liv) - Not bad yourself, dear. Oh, my girdle's killing me._

_Maid Marian hits the badminton and it goes down Lady Kluck's dress._

_Maid Marian (Orlando) - Where is it?_

_Lady Kluck (Liv) - It must be in there someplace._

_Maid Marian (Orlando) - Oh, Klucky you look so silly. Oh, look. There it is, behind you._

====================

Viggo is sure that he's lost his mind now, but yet can't make himself stop watching. He slowly slides off of the bed onto the floor and continues to watch the movie.

====================

_Skippy - Come on lady fair, let's go._

_Skippy grabs Maid Marian's hand and leads her into the trees surrounding the property._

_Maid Marian (Orlando) - Oh, Robin! You're so brave and impetuous. Oh, so this is Sherwood Forest._

_Skippy - Yeah, I guess so. And now what will we do?_

_Maid Marian (Orlando) - Well, usually, the hero gives his lady a kiss._

_Skippy - A kiss? Oh, that's sissy stuff._

_Maid Marian (Orlando) - Well if you won't then I will._

_Sis - They're kissing Ha, ha, ha. (Laughing) Ah…_

====================

Viggo laughed quietly and thought about what he'd be doing to Maid Marian as soon as he made it home later. And it wouldn't stop at just a kiss.

====================

_Sherwood Forest. Robin Hood is cooking the meal, dreaming about Maid Marian ..._

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - La, da, di, da, da, da, di, da, dum, Da, da, hm, hm, hm, hm_

_Little John (Bean) - Hey lover boy, how's that grub coming? Man I'm starved._

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - Hm, hm, hm, da, da, dee_

_Little John (Bean) - Rob?_

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - Hm, hm, hm_

_Little John (Bean) - Robin?_

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - Hm, hm, hm_

_Little John (Bean) - Robaire. Hey!_

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - What? What did you say?_

_Little John (Bean) - Ah forget it. Your mind's not on food. You're thinking about somebody with long eyelashes. You're smelling that sweet perfume._

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - Hey, whoa, it's boiling over._

_Little John (Bean) - You're burning the chow!_

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - Sorry, Johnny. I was thinking about Maid Marian again. I can't help it. I love her Johnny._

 ====================

Viggo smiled to himself. Yep, just like he loved Orlando. There were more times that he cared to count that he had found himself staring off into space, thinking about him and Orlando.

====================

_Jail's castle at night. Every place is well guarded by the Sheriff's people. Among them we find Trigger and Nutsy. When Little John is going to kidnap Nutsy…_

_Nutsy (Billy) - One o'clock! And all's well! (bell tolls three times)_

_Sheriff (Karl) – (sleepy) Nutsy, set your brains ahead a couple of hours._

_Nutsy (Billy) - Yes sir. Does that there mean adding or subtracting?_

_Sheriff (Karl) - Oh, let's forget it!_

_Nutsy (Billy) - Yes, sir, Sheriff, sir._

_Sheriff (Karl) - Nutsy, how can I sleep with you yelling "all's well" all the time?_

_Trigger (Dom) - Sheriff, everything ain't all's well. I got the feeling in my bones there's gonna be a jailbreak any minute._

_Sheriff (Karl) - Criminey, Trigger! Point that peashooter the other way._

_Trigger (Dom) - Don't you worry not, Sheriff. The safety's on old Betsy._

_Sheriff (Karl) - What are you trying to do, you birdbrain?_

_Trigger (Dom) - Just doing my duty, Sheriff._

_Sheriff (Karl) - Oh, you and that itchy trigger finger of yours._

_They hear a noise where Nutsy is doing his patrol_

_Trigger (Dom) - Hey, you hear that?_

_Sheriff (Karl) - Sure did I Trigger. There's something funny going on around here. Come on. You cover me. Wait a minute. Is the safety on old Betsy?_

_Trigger (Dom) - You bet it, Sheriff._

_Sheriff (Karl) - That's what I'm afraid of. You go first. All right you in there! Come on with your hands up!_

_Trigger (Dom) - Yeah, reach them up to the sky._

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - Just you watch this performance partner._

_Little John (Bean) - Be careful, Rob._

_Robin Hood (Viggo) - Jehoshaphat, Trigger. Put that peashooter down._

_Sheriff (Karl) - Oh, shucks, Trigger. It's only Nutsy. And criminey! Get back to your patrol. On the double. Get!_

_Trigger (Dom) - I'm a-getting, I'm a-getting._

====================

Viggo had to give Henry a bit of credit with casting the crew from Lord of the Rings in this version of Robin Hood. He could see Dom and Billy as these two birdbrains. Well, maybe not Dom and Billy, but definitely Merry and Pippin.

====================

_The Friar and the villagers clambered onto a two wheeled cart cross the drawbridge just in time. Prince John and Sir Hiss awake just as Robin fled and Sir Hiss tries to recapture the last bag of gold_

_Prince John (Sauraman) - Oh, oh, oh, oh ah… Aah! Aah! Hoo! Guards! Guards! My gold! Oh no, no, no! They're getting away with my gold. Guards! Guards, to the jail! Rhinos, halt! Stop! Desist! Aah! Ooh! Aah!_

 ====================

Yep, Prince John and Sauraman are definitely greedy bastards, Viggo thought to himself. Prince John was over obsessed with his gold just as Sauraman was over obsessed with commanding the Ring.

====================

_Nottingham village in a sunny and happy day. We see an old reward with a new title: Pardoned by order of King Richard_

_Allan-A-Dale (Sir Ian) - Ha, ha, ha. I thought we'd never get rid of those three rascals but lucky for us folks, King Richard returned and well he just straightened everything out._

_We see Prince John, Sir Hiss and the Sheriff working in the Royal Rock Pile._

_Prince John (Sauraman) - Oooh! Aah! Oooh! Oooh! Ouch! Oooh!_

_Sir Hiss (Elijah) - Ha, ha._

_Church bells toll in the background_

_Allan-A-Dale (Sir Ian) - Say, we'd better get over the church, it sounds like somebody's getting hitched._

_People - Long live Robin Hood!_

_Maid Marian kisses Robin and they both smile happily._

_People - Long live King Richard!_

_King Richard - Oh, Friar Tuck. It appears that I have an outlaw for an in-law. Ha, ha, ha._

_Friar Tuck (Astin) - Ha, ha. Not bad._

_Toby - Gee, Skippy, how come you're going?_

_Skippy - Well, Robin Hood will have kids so somebody's got to keep all right things._

_Little John (Bean) - Ho!_

_Lady Kluck (Liv) - Ach! I've never been so happy._

_Nutsy (Billy) - Hey, here comes the bride, Trigger! Present… arms!_

_Again the safety of old Betsy doesn't work_

_Allan-A-Dale (Sir Ian) - Well, folks, that's the way it really happened._

====================

"Viggo! Viggo! Wake up!"

Viggo slowly opened his eyes to find Orlando - the REAL Orlando, HIS Orlando - standing over him. He looked around and realized that he was lying on the floor at the foot of the bed.

"Orli? What ... why am I on the floor?" Viggo asked.

Orlando knelt down beside him. "I'm not sure love, but now that I'm home, why don't you join me?" he suggested as he motioned to the bed.

Viggo looked around. "Where's Kaylee? She was just here."

"I moved her to her room, then came back to wake you up," Orlando said as he helped Viggo up onto the bed, then turned back to the TV and shut it off. "What were you two watching before you fell asleep?"

Viggo was crawling under the covers when it hit him. "Robin Hood," he said with a smile as he leaned back into the pillows while Orlando slowly crawled towards him. "But not just any Robin Hood. No, thanks to my son and your daughter, they managed to turn it into a Robin Hood meets The Lord of the Rings kind of thing."

Orlando paused from kissing his way up Viggo's body.

"You're kidding? Our kids did that? Do they realize that the Disney version of Robin Hood should not be tampered with?"

"Probably not, but they did it anyway," he said as Orlando lightly nipped at Viggo's nipple. "Hey Orli?"

"Hmm?"

"How do you feel about Maid Marian?"

The End!


End file.
